I love it when Art imitates Life– Like here, Kirito looks about as confused as I am.
This series has an uncanny talent for finding new ways to vex me. It feels like it manages to fail miserably in things that most people wouldn't even be able to fail in. Let's not delay any further.
We open up to a tavern where there's a toast going on, and there's a toast to a guild I've never heard of who won't matter made by people who seem like they should be important but don't actually matter.
And it dawns on me.
WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE?!
NO, SERIOUSLY, I WANT TO KNOW. WHO ARE THEY?! WHAT IS THIS BLACK CAT GUILD THEY'RE PART OF? THEY RAISE A TOAST TO KIRITO FOR SAVING THEIR LIVES, BUT WHAT THE FUCK DID HE DO?! HELL IF I KNOW, BECAUSE IT'S NEVER EXPLORED AND IT'S NEVER EXPLAINED! GOD DAMMIT, SAO, IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN 30 SECONDS AND YOU'VE ALREADY FOUND A WAY TO PISS ME OFF!
You may think, YOU MAY FUCKING THINK, that this is just taking place in media res and all of this will be revealed in a flashback, BUT YOU'D BE DEAD FUCKING WRONG, BECAUSE THIS IS YET ANOTHER REALLY STUPID, UNNECESSARY AND EVEN DETRIMENTAL TIME SKIP! I SHOULD GIVE UP ON THIS BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW!
But, maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe I'm judging it too harshly after 30 seconds. Let's see if they deign me WORTHY of being let into their little story.
So, these people continue to pretend the audience cares about what's going on by saying stuff about whatever incident occurred that was, according to Sachi, really scary. It'd sure be great if WE KNEW WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE–
No, no, I'm going to let that go. There's plenty more to dislike about this episode and this series. Let's just... Play along.
So this one dude whose name I don't think we're ever told nor does he really matter asks Kirito what his level is, though seems to make it out to be as if it's not polite to ask the level of another player. This is another aspect of the game's mechanics that kind of bugs me. Yeah, it's not a new thing for levels to be private information, but as we find out later in this episode, that's not necessarily the case. He asks what level Kirito is, to which he replies he's level 20.
As we see here, that's a flat-out lie. He's actually twice that level. I don't think it's ever really explained why Kirito lied about his level, but it's so stupid that it's actually a plot point later on. I've got questions to ask, but I'll ask them when they're relevant.
They mention that they're trying to train Sachi, the token girl, to wield a sword and shield, since they only have one tank (someone in an MMO who fights at the front lines and absorbs damage), a guy who wields a mace named Tetsuo. Given what they say about her being a massive scaredy-cat (and they know her pretty well– apparently they're all in the computer club together in their high school), why would they select HER to be a tank? She's obviously not the most qualified person for the job, not to mention the fact that she's unwilling and the very idea of going into combat scares the hell out of her. She is neither qualified, nor is she willing. They've elected to give the crucial position of tank to the worst person imaginable. Good job, Black Cats!
Anyway, these random people who you'll pretend you care about ask Kirito if he wants to join their guild, to which he replies he will. So how do guilds work in this game, exactly? Do they have a guild roster? Does this roster not display his level? Bah, I'll ask more questions about that idiotic concept later on.
PHOTOSHOP FILTER DEMANDS THAT YOU FEEL THINGS. BE EXCITED.
So after the theme song, we cut to a battle scene, one of the surprising few so far that ever sees completion, where we see that, indeed, Sachi is an awful tank.
Kirito has her bail out basically immediately, and Mace Guy Tetsuo takes over and lands the killing blow. This scene goes nowhere and doesn't really elaborate on anything other than Sachi has no business being a tank.
This completely unforeseen problem with your tanking was completely unavoidable!
Mere seconds later, we cut to Kirito and Guild Leader Dude in a field reading a newspaper about the people who got the furthest in the game thus far. Guild Leader Dude comments that he thinks they have a lot of willpower to get that far, where Kirito just thinks they have the resources for easy experience that they don't share. Kirito shares some thoughts with us, that he thinks that Guild Leader Dude's ideals may help dissolve the inexplicable elitist attitude among the gamers, though it raises the question of why those elitist attitudes include just withholding information entirely? Hell, the elitist pricks that I knew would tell the noobs that pissed them off what they were supposed to be doing before calling them dumbasses. Whatever, this barely matters and there are dumber things here.
Also, Kirito is even higher-leveled now, and is still lying about it. Oh boy, will this ever have a point.
So guild leader dude talks about being able to get a house for the guild. Yay? Everyone else seems really excited. BOY I WISH I COULD BE EXCITED.
Later that night, we cut to seeing how Klein's doing for some reason, and he's with a guild killing stuff, and is no longer a complete noob! Kirito's there... For some reason... And Klein notes that Kirito's in a guild now. The scene just sort of peters out.
Don't worry Klein, your presence in this episode will have a point.
So, we cut yet again to having Kirito looking for Sachi, and we see her by herself, talking about how scary being in a death game is, and actually contemplating suicide.
Alright... I'll have to give it some credit, here. To my understanding, suicide in young people is kind of a serious problem in Japan. Kirito talking to Sachi and helping her make sure she feels like she's wanted and the reassurance that she'll be protected seems like the right thing for him to do. I can appreciate that. This seems like a redeeming quality in this anime's favor that they address this issue in a fairly realistic way. However, while it is the leading cause of death in teenage girls (which we can only assume Sachi is one), it should be noted that it's a low percentage and that it's very unlikely for them to die of anything else. Middle-Aged Men are the biggest demographic for suicide in Japan, though, but I suppose I should still give this thing SOME credit for even touching on the issue at all.
Let's get to ruining that, shall we?
Sachi goes into Kirito's room and asks if she can sleep with him.
...
Well. That was fast.
I kid, though I'm not sure just how sexual this encounter gets. Probably better that I don't. Anywho, it seems Kirito starts contemplating that, as long as he's in the guild, the others will be safe. Oh, is he in for a disappointment later.
So the Guild Leader Dude goes to the Town of Beginnings (bleh, seriously with that name? Couldn't give it a real name?) to buy a house, and then one of these guys hits on the idea of going to a higher-level dungeon to get more money and more food, to which Kirito objects that they should really stick to their usual hunting grounds. The others bring up that, if they go to higher-level dungeons, they'd be able to get money and XP a lot faster and in greater amounts. This would be an acceptable risk IF THEY WEREN'T IN A DEATH GAME.
Dumbasses prepare themselves to get nuked.
So they go to the higher-level dungeon, and they find a secret passageway to a hidden room. Yay?
This room is completely empty except for a single treasure chest. Surely this is not even remotely suspicious and absolutely nothing can go wrong!
LET'S DO THIS
LEEEEROOOOOOOY
JEEEENKIIIIIIINS
Well.
Shit.
Yeah, Beanie Leeroy Jenkins triggers the obvious trap. Like his namesake, he gets everybody killed, except for Kirito, who is protected by his ludicrously higher level and his EDGY LONER powers.
Why yes, even Sachi dies. I'll give it credit, I didn't see that coming, though the reason I didn't was because it felt like they were trying to get us invested in the character, barely spent enough time on her, and then they murderate her. Her presence was kind of underwhelming.
So we cut to YET ANOTHER TIME SKIP, and it's Christmas time, yay! Christmas time and sadness! He's talking to an information broker with some whiskers who he pretends he knows and pretends that we know. What, did you think that this is an anime that LETS YOU SEE CONNECTIONS BEING FORMED? Pfft. Nah, this is the place where we can have a bunch of friends come the fuck out of nowhere, and instead of ever seeing how that friendship was formed in the first place, we just see how they get killed like a bunch of rubes, or they disappear forever like the insignificant minutiae they are.
So mysterious informant who we don't care about tells Kirito about a rumor about Nicholas the Renegade, an Event Boss that's rumored to drop a revival item which he hopes to use to revive Sachi. He contemplates the possibility that this will lead to his death, and that he'll expire without anyone having known he was ever there. He also mentions that he never should've lied about his level (again, I'll get into this later). While he talks about this, he remembers that Guild Leader Dude, after finding out what happened to his guildmates and that Kirito was the only one who survived, calls Kirito a Beater (Seriously, they're still going with that nickname? It wasn't cool the first time), and then he jumps off and dies.
Pilin' on the guilt.
So Kirito goes to a snowy plain to a fir tree where it's said that Nicholas the Renegade is said to be appearing, and once again, Klein shows up! He tells Kirito the obvious– that soloing in an MMO is stupid, and that he shouldn't risk his life for something that might turn out to be bogus, least of all by himself. He offers his services, and that whoever gets the item gets to keep it.
But then, suddenly, 2-dimensional villains attack!
Klein says he can hold them off with his group, allowing Kirito to go for the Event Boss on his own. Boy, did that talk about Kirito's soloing being stupid matter!
So Kirito goes up to the Event Boss, who, naturally, looks like a demented Santa Claus.
HERP HERP DERP
So Kirito charges at this thing and– wait, that's it?
NO, SERIOUSLY, IT JUST FADES TO WHITE! WE DON'T EVEN GET TO SEE HIM FIGHT THE DEMENTED SANTA CLAUS?! DAMMIT SAO, WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND NEVER SHOWING US HOW THINGS HAPPEN?!
Ugh, so we go back to Klein, who apparently survived the 2-dimensionally evil villain raid, and Kirito comes back with the revival item, but it has a catch!
The item only works within ten seconds of the target's death, to which Kirito urges Klein to use it should anyone die in front of him. After Klein instructs Kirito to LIVE, DAMMIT, LIVE, Kirito walks off.
When he gets home, Kirito gets a posthumous message from Sachi, just to lay the guilt on a little thicker. She tells him she's not mad about what happened to her, knew she'd probably die in this game, knew that he was lying about his level because she got a look at it while he was asleep, sings Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in a really bizarre attempt to illicit feels, and then it's just over.
Okay, this is the point where I have to start talking about this– the whole issue with Kirito lying about his level. Why did he even do that in the first place?
Why
OH GOD, WHY
DID HE FEEL THE NEED TO CONCEAL HIS LEVEL?!
THERE WAS NO REASON FOR HIM TO DO SO! HELL, IN LIGHT OF THE FACT THAT PEOPLE COULD PEEK OVER HIS SHOULDER AND LOOK AT HIS LEVEL, IT SOUNDS LIKE THE WHOLE "IF IT'S NOT RUDE OF ME TO ASK" THING WAS ACTUALLY THE POLITE THING TO DO! WHY EVEN HIDE IT, ESPECIALLY FROM PEOPLE HE PROFESSES TO BE TRYING TO HELP?! JUST HOW FAR DID HIS DECEPTION GO?! DID HE HOLD HIMSELF BACK DURING BATTLES, AND IF SO, WHY?! THIS IS LIFE OR DEATH, KIRITO, THIS GAME DOES NOT FUCK AROUND. THERE'S NO FUCKING REASON FOR HIM TO HIDE HOW POWERFUL HE IS FROM HIS FRIENDS.
AND DON'T TRY TO FEED ME THE WHOLE "STIGMA AGAINST BETA-TESTERS AND BEATERS" BULLSHIT. FIRST OFF, THE WHOLE BEATER THING WAS HIS FAULT BECAUSE OF HIS BEHAVIOR IN EPISODE 2. HE SHOULD OWN UP TO IT. SECOND OF ALL, I MUST POINT OUT, YET AGAIN, THAT THE STAKES HERE ARE LIFE AND DEATH. HOLDING BACK IN THIS GAME IS NOT AN OPTION. PEOPLE MAY EVEN THINK IT NOBLE THAT YOU'RE HELPING OUT NOOBIES, YOU STUPID SHITHOLE. THIRD, THE ACT OF HIDING THIS IS COMPLETELY POINTLESS BECAUSE ANYONE CAN EASILY FIND OUT BY LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER.
This episode almost came close to getting me to like it with the whole addressing suicide thing, but the context for a lot of it is overshadowed by how stupid the circumstances surrounding a lot of these deaths are, the really horrible pacing in the form of these time skips that force you to just take the narrative's word for what happens, because what happens beforehand and how Kirito forms these relationships is, say it with me, NEVER EXPLORED AND NEVER EXPLAINED, and the fact that a lot of the aspects of this universe are so poorly defined that it feels like the narrative even forgets they exist, the characters seem to constantly forget that they're in a death game except when it's convenient for the narrative, and the story doesn't think a lot of things that are actually important for the audience to know THAT ARE, INDEED, IMPORTANT FOR THE AUDIENCE TO KNOW.
Good Lord, I haven't even BEGUN with this series and it's already so full of plot holes, it's a wonder I can't see right the fuck through it, and it only gets worse from here, people. Next time we enter Sword Art Online, we get to be introduced to what most people consider the DUMBEST concept in Sword Art Online. Just let that simmer for a moment. Of all the stuff we've seen, what's coming is what many people consider the DUMBEST concept.
Until next time, Timere Defectum, everyone.
Sword Art Online belongs to Reki Kawahara.
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